It is a gorgeous night. I sit here in my space overlooking the marina, completely taken aback at how beautiful this life is- this life that I am able to awake to every morning, breathe deeply and fill, challenge every day with the goodness that I truly believe prevails over all.
But I’m human.
So tonight, as I sit here and ponder about greatness, I slowly begin to feel it creep it. It’s startling at first, but its sly and convincing ways mimic familiarity. And like a thief in the night, it rushes in and at finally catches me by surprise.
And not just any fear. The double whammy of fears. The double-F. FUTURE FEAR. I am completely caught off guard. How did this happen? Where did it come from? Why can I not silence the chatter? And before I know it, the fear has completely taken me over. With fear come insecurities, judgements, and what Tricia refers to as “making shit up”. I have officially entered the land of panic.
Tricia also has a theory that we need to “f*$& our fears”, but the faster they come in, the harder it is for me to keep up with my f*$& you’s. Am I financially stable? How come I’m not getting better at yoga? Am I the runner that I think I am? Am I smart enough? Do I apply myself to all endeavors? Will I ever successfully write a song, let alone play one? Do I have what it takes to ‘make’ it? Will all of my dreams come true? Do I believe in my affirmations? Am I pretty enough? Do my friends say to my face what they say behind my back? Is [enter peer here] mad at me? Is [enter peer who I could care less about here] mad at me? Have I been praying enough? Is my body fat as low as last week? (Yes, as an athlete that crosses my mind… wait, am I an athlete?)
I closed my eyes. Breathe, just breathe. Find the space between.
Here’s the thing. I don’t know much. In fact, as a 20-something, I really don’t know a damn thing. But I do know this: I have a great life. I am healthy. My family, friends, and partner are healthy. I have a job. I have income and can pay my bills. My parents are financially stable (my sister is, too… just in case!) I have amazing friends, both near and far. I have the most amazing soulmate who loves me and tells me every day and night that he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I have supportive coworkers. I have my music. I have my body. I have my strength. I have all of these things. So, FEAR, why do you keep coming back???
Because, Stephanie. You’re human. And you’re a rockstar. And I am constantly going to come back to test you and see if you practice what you preach.
Alright, Fear. Then f*$& you. I AM a rockstar. And I believe it. I believe in all that I practice and all that I preach. I believe in the goodness of the world and the success that I will become. I believe. I believe. I believe in you, I believe in me, I believe in the power that unites us and the love that we all must give and receive to be complete. I believe. I believe.
I challenge all of you to take a deep breath and allow Fear in. Stop being afraid of it. Let it come in and challenge you. There is no better feeling than knowing that you are conquering it all, day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment.